If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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