I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize