How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
