mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Porn is love you can see.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
