when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
