The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
