She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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