i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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