You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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