he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
