My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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