wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
