remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
