Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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