dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
