I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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