you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize