Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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