I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
