You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
