just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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