I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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