Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
