I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
