a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
