I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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