Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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