Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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