There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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