I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
