why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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