You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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