She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
MIDGETS
????
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
