So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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