I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
