you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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