why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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