If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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