My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
