I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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