highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
