Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
