half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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