wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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