Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize