my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
