Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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