Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
