Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
