dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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