I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize