Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
