Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What changed your mind?
Being sober
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
