Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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