you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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