there's paper in my vomit.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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