I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
false alarm, still single
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