have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
