nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
