I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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