Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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