yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
