and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
