Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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