Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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