im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
