the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
