So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
