That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Drunk is not a location!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
