I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
